Revisiting Fave Books Celebrating Great Moms

This weekend is Mother's Day and my previous blog post was on the bleak bad-mom side (talking about filicide) as is typical of many murder mystery characters and plots. But there's also the mother whom we all would like to have, or grow up to be. Unfortunately, the traits that make a "good mother," per experts, are dauntingly demanding: empathetic, patient, emotionally strong and resilient, humble, respectful of others, authoritative without being authoritarian, supportive, and, of course, loving. We know most of our mothers, and ourselves as parents, fall short of those goals from time to time. Maybe it's easier to avoid the things that make for really bad mothering: neglectful, abusive, overprotective, aloof, partial, overindulgent, interfering, untrustworthy, and so on. In thinking about motherly role models, I found myself turning to favorite, formative childhood reading. Everyone wants to meet the brave and kind Ma of Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House on the Prairie, the brilliant yet supportive scientist Mrs. Murry of A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle, the family rock Marmee in Louisa May Alcott's Little Women, or adoptive parent Marilla's love-beneath-a-stern-exterior in Anne of Green Gables from L.M. Montgomery. More recently, readers can embrace the warm but fiercely protective Mrs. Weasley of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. So for timely Mother's Day inspiration, why not reacquaint yourself, or younger readers, with some top moms (and dads) in literature? Check out http://mentalfloss.com/article/57128/30-best-parents-literature

Falling Fertility Creates a Future We May Not Like

Recently CNN's Fareed Zakaria touched on the problem of falling fertility rates in developed countries in his regular "GPS" segment, citing data from Europe and Japan of birth rates below the 2.1 births per woman needed for replacement of existing populations. "Not only will some countries’ population shrink, they will also get older. Europe’s over 65 crowd will increase to over a quarter of the population there by 2050, according to the U.N. Japan’s will be over 1/3," Zakaria pointed out. "That means that already cash-strapped countries will have higher bills to pay to provide retirees with pension and health benefits." A country with a shrinking, aging population faces economic contraction, rising labor costs, falling real estate values, a smaller pool of innovative talent, and more conservative politics--a future very different from previous assumptions of continual growth and social improvement. The U.S. is part of the trend; our national fertility rate hit a record low in 2013, and our population is forecast to grow only because of immigration (add that to the political debate over immigration). Why the disinterest in procreating? Education, career and financial opportunities--especially for women--plus social acceptance of birth control are cited. But I wondered if there's something deeper at work, too. Consider a July Huffington Post survey of childless women, which found 270 explanations for the decision to remain "childfree," which boiled down to some combination of four basic reasons: prioritizing career, dislike of children, bad relationship with parents, avoidance of the financial responsibility, and preference for an existing (childless) lifestyle. Apparently, a growing percentage of women consider motherhood a negative factor in their personal happiness equation. So developed countries can try to boost baby-making via peppy campaigns, economic incentives and social support programs, but the fertility fall is unlikely to be cured by tax credits and slogans. We seem set on a future we may not like. For the Huffington Post survey: http://data.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/choosing-childfree?ncid=edlinkushpmg00000030

'Bad' and 'Good' Mothers on Mother's Day

For Mother's Day, the nation will celebrate motherhood with floral bouquets and restaurants full of dutiful children honoring moms. Of course, in fiction, especially mystery writing, the "bad" mother is usually more significant to plot and character development. Start with Euripides' Medea, who punishes husband Jason's betrayal by murdering their children. Examples of other famous bad moms in literature range from Shakespeare's shallow sensualist Queen Gertrude in Hamlet to Philip Roth's overbearing Sophie Portnoy in Portnoy's Complaint, V.C. Andrews' cruel Corinne Dollanganger in Flowers in the Attic, Stephen King's fanatic Margaret White in Carrie, William Faulkner's rejecting Addie Bundren in As I Lay Dying, and Jane Austen's foolish Mrs. Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. Probably the most heinous crime in our culture is a mother's murder or torture of her own children. But most fictional bad mothers commit emotional crimes rather than physical violence. Their toxic mothering patterns have been helpfully categorized by Peg Streep, author of Mean Mothers: dismissive (ignoring and rejecting), controlling (micromanaging), unavailable (emotional withdrawal or actual abandonment), enmeshed ("stage" moms), combative (hypercritical and competitive), self-involved (superficial narcissists), unreliable (behavioral swings), and role-reversed (dependent moms, such as those with alcoholism or depression). No wonder bad moms are such good fodder for writers! But even if you see a mother's failings reflected in fiction's bad moms, my advice is to cut motherhood some slack this Mother's Day. Definitely don't expect mothers to live up to our culture's myths of the "good" mother, with her instinctive, unconditional and instant mother love! Maternal behavior is not instinctive; human behavior is more complex, individual and cultural than that. Maternal love is not unconditional and without preference; good parenting actually sets boundaries and recognizes differences. And maternal attachment is hardly instant; a mother-child relationship takes time and hard work. Just being a "good enough" mom is an achievement! For a good article about harmful motherhood myths, see https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/mothers-love-myths-misconceptions-and-truths

When Gender Roles Change, Does That Change Fiction?

Two consecutive events got me thinking about gender roles and writing: On Nov. 16, my book club discussed Herman Wouk's novel Marjorie Morningstar, and on Nov. 17, Doris Lessing, author of The Golden Notebook, died. The assumptions about gender roles in the two works represent quite different views. Published in the 1950s and set in the 1930s, Marjorie Morningstar tells the story of a young New York Jewish girl who rebels against social expectations and dreams of becoming an actress, only to end up (chastened by lost illusions and lost virginity) as a conventional (but happy) wife and mother. It is a book that reflects the traditional views of my mother. Moving on to the 1960s, The Golden Notebook's protagonist is a writer and single mother, Anna Wulf, whose psychic fragmentation is expressed in the novel's format of story interposed with Anna's notebooks: a black notebook for her youth in Africa, which formed the basis of her one successful novel; a red notebook for Cold War politics and her disillusion with Communism; a yellow notebook for a fictionalized self; and a blue notebook as an intimate diary. Anna seeks to weave together all the pieces of her reality in one "golden notebook." A favorite of feminists at the time, the book deals frankly with female sexuality, work, love, men, marriage and motherhood. It is a book that echoes many of my feelings as a working wife and mother at a time when gender equality was an unrealized dream. Fast forward to the 21st century. "We've come a long way, baby," and the majority of millennial women (which includes my daughter) tell researchers that they believe they live in a world without gender barriers, where they can have both a rewarding professional career and a fulfilling personal life. "Balance" is their mantra, with seven in 10 listing a "work/life balance" as an important quality of the successful female business leader. So successful writing now must create female protagonists who transcend gender roles. But that's actually nothing new. Both Marjorie Morningstar and The Golden Notebook are really about the desire for, and obstacles to, self-realization regardless of gender--which is why the books continue to be read despite some sweeping social changes. To quote Doris Lessing: “What's terrible is to pretend that second-rate is first-rate. To pretend that you don't need love when you do; or you like your work when you know quite well you're capable of better.” Current and future generations still face those issues; gender bias simplified or complicated but did not remove such challenges.