Why Weddings Often Spark Conflicts

Weddings can bring out the best, and worst, behavior from family and friends. With my daughter's wedding a little over a week away, our house is filling up with relatives and guests, and, of course, we would like to prevent tensions. How? A Psychology Today article helped put all in perspective by listing the top three reasons for wedding conflicts. Of course, it starts with MONEY. After all, today's weddings cost a lot. The price of a nuptial celebration has jumped to an all-time high, reaching an average $31,213, according to The Knot's "2014 Real Weddings Study." And the expense burden extends beyond the couple and their parents to the guests, who shell out for travel, accommodations and gifts, as well as to the wedding party, who must spend big for things like bridesmaid dresses they'll never wear again. With that much money flowing, financial anxieties and unmet expectations are bound to float to the top and spill negative vibes. Family dynamics are the next big cause of wedding conflict, especially issues of status within the family, notes the article. It is not uncommon to see mature people regress to childish expressions of jealousy and resentment when reminded of old wounds from parental favoritism or sibling rivalry. The fact that many will imbibe enough alcohol to loosen inhibitions and lips increases the chance of an "unfortunate incident." The third main source of wedding conflict is the likelihood that some folks will feel "left out" at some point. Honestly, at a crowded event, it is impossible to include and pay attention to everyone equally and always.  Unfortunately, various other articles offered no magic oil to pour on troubled wedding waters, beyond old-fashioned compassion and tolerance. All I can do is vow that every time a complaining relative, an out-of-control drunk, an undisciplined brat, or feuding exes loosen my hold on my temper, I will take a deep breath and consciously shift my focus back to what a wedding should be about: celebrating love. For more: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201306/weddings-why-they-cause-conflicts-among-family-friends

Blowing Out the Candles of Another Birthday

Today is my birthday, and social media congratulations are piling up. Thank you all. An issue arises every year over how to celebrate, or indeed whether to celebrate the aging process at all. My husband, whose birth date is just five days different from mine, announced his plan for a joint weekend gathering in our home with our children and local relatives (over a dozen people). I thought that was fine until he asked me what I planned to cook for everyone. He was taken aback when I declined the culinary opportunity. And I refused to bake my own cake, too. Clearly, after years of blowing out an ever-growing number of candles, my birthday spirit is exhausted. So I looked at various Internet lists of celebration ideas, ranging from dull standards (dining out) to the downright depressing (go to temple and thank God you've survived another year). I wondered what livelier ladies might suggest. Here's one list of "extremely fun ways" for women to celebrate: take a private plane ride (just not with Harrison Ford); see a Broadway show (I suggest this every year with no result); perform as many acts of kindness as your number of years (yikes, I'll be busy); do something you wanted to do as a child but didn't get to do (laser tag as long as I don't break a hip); organize a flash mob (volunteers?); escape urban stress by camping (need to fix tears in the old air mattress and tent first); go on an unplanned road trip (and send constant lonely posts to social media); throw a theme party (requiring costumes is a great way to reduce attendance and expense); do something from your "bucket list" (skydiving? forget it); pamper yourself at a spa (always ready for that); go to a karaoke bar (sorry about being tone deaf); have a fancy birthday brunch with friends (easy to get RSVPs as long as I promise champagne); and, finally, take a cooking workshop--and we're back to cooking! But just as I finished writing this grumbling post, my husband walked in with a bouquet of roses and reminded me that being with those you love is still the best way to celebrate. For another list of birthday celebration ideas for adult women, see http://www.todaysthebestday.com/ways-to-celebrate-your-birthday/

A Post-Holiday Meditation on Aging Parents

As the New Year begins, I'm suffering from a post-holiday mental hangover. One of the blessings, and trials, of the holidays for baby boomers like me is that we reunite with aging parents (if we're lucky enough to still have living parents). Framed by past holiday memories, the physical and mental deterioration of these folks in their 80s and 90s is disturbing. Our parents, even those in relatively good physical and mental shape, are far from the people of our youth. They are often, by necessity, focused only on self-centered needs and anxieties. They may be preoccupied with the past--from triumphs to trivia--in a way that muddles their present. They may require a caretaker role that is financially, emotionally and physically exhausting. To make it tougher, needy parents can be resistant, resentful and critical. Certainly, I have heard my friends, seniors themselves, lament the burden of self-absorbed and difficult aging parents. Of course, accusations of selfishness can go both ways. As sons and daughters, even gray-haired ones, we selfishly yearn for the parents who put us first--providing comfort, security and guidance. It's hard to accept that those parents are gone. And the parents who disappointed and wounded are gone, too; there is no resolution or atonement to be had from these parental ghosts. So how to deal with caring for elderly loved ones? Well, I find laughter is one balm for sorely tried nerves--certainly better than denial, anger or depression. So when my 89-year-old father's memory pastes bits of past, present and fantasy together to produce amazing fables, or his confused actions create a theater of the absurd, I let myself laugh at the ridiculous results. I laugh at my own bumbles and grumbles in response, too. The comic relief helps keep tears and fears at bay. For an example of humor coupled with honesty in dealing with aging parents, read the recent memoir by Roz Chast, the New York Times cartoonist. A 2014 National Book Award finalist, Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? combines text with Chast's cartoons, family photos and documents to offer both comfort and comedy about this tough subject: http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Talk-about-Something-Pleasant-ebook/dp/B00JA9JE0Y