Flashbulb Memories and Our National Psyche

We are about to embark on commemorations of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, reliving sights and stories that already seem indelibly burned into the national psyche. In the past, I have found that conversations about the now 15-year-old trauma include asking each other "Where were you when...?" And most people relate an especially vivid, emotional recollection of events. This phenomenon is what psychologists call a "flashbulb memory." People tend to have a detailed recollection of not only where they were when the dramatic public event occurred, but what they felt, what they saw, what they said, who they were with, etc. Other shared "flashbulb memory" experiences would include President John F. Kennedy's assassination, the Challenger space shuttle explosion, or even Princess Diana's death. These public traumas were unexpected, horrific and tapped strong feelings about an iconic person, institution or symbol. The emotional intersection between the personal and the public creates vivid memories, psychologists agree, but are such flashbulb memories really accurate, unchanging snapshots of our experience? Not exactly. Extensive research findings about 9/11 memories, for example, indicate that many of us forget or falsely remember more than we realize, both in terms of facts and emotional reactions. Those few who are closer physically and mentally to a public tragedy are apt to have more accurate recall than the majority who experience the event at a remove, say via televised reports. Yet, factual or not, the strong emotional context does have an especially deep impact on our minds, creating recollections that stand as landmarks in our personal and national stories. When revisiting your own 9/11 "flashbulb memories" in conversations this weekend, you can reflect on their accuracy while discussing them with others. But I bet the power of these memories will not be diminished by conflicting facts. Their emotional resonance is their truth, creating our shared popular history. For an interesting article on flashbulb memory studies, including those from 9/11, read http://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/09/memories.aspx

Why Are Colleges Becoming Mental Crisis Centers?

Young people are flooding college campuses, but the upbeat excitement of my college days is apparently an anachronism. According to a recent Psychology Today article titled "Crisis U," colleges "are being transformed into something more akin to mental health wards than citadels of learning." Declares the article, "Whether troubled Facebook posts or middle-of-the-night cries to independent support services like Crisis Text Line, such messages, along with class absences, disturbing writing in course assignments, or direct threats to fac­ulty, are a new common core of college life." Per the University of Michigan's Healthy Minds Study cited in the article, 22% of the nation's collegians seek therapy or counseling each year, 19% of college students regularly take psychotropic drugs (antidepressants, anxiolytics, and stimulants such as Adderall), and self-harm is commonplace, with close to one in five students engaging in cutting, burning, or other form of self-mutilation. What in the world is going on? The leading mental health concern in 2015 is anxiety: 54% of all college students report feeling overwhelming anxiety, according to American College Health Association surveys quoted. And the universally cited precipitant of anxiety is stress. Yet stress itself is not the problem (I doubt it's higher than in the past); in fact, research shows stress actually enhances performance, especially when viewed positively. The problem is how students handle stress. Without basic coping skills, every frustration, competitive challenge, romantic disappointment, or social media insecurity turns into an overwhelming stressor. Another recent Psychology Today article by Diane Dreher, coach and author, puts the blame for the coping failure on parents who are "protecting their children from failure while pressuring them to excel, doing their homework, making their decisions, and micromanaging their lives," and thus creating students who have "difficulty dealing with the challenges of college life because they’ve been denied the opportunity to develop age-appropriate cognitive function," she writes. "Insecure, confused, and emotionally fragile, they experience high anxiety and chronic stress, which further weakens their cognitive ability." Experts urge parents to instead encourage unstructured play, provide honest criticism and praise, encourage children to solve their own problems, and give increasing responsibility. Dreher suggests some reading for concerned parents: How to raise an adult: Break free of the overparenting trap and prepare your kid for success by J. Lythcott-Haims; A nation of wimps by H.E. Marano; and The gift of failure: How the best parents learn to let go so their children can succeed by J. Lahey. For more on the college mental health crisis: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201509/crisis-u

Why Weddings Often Spark Conflicts

Weddings can bring out the best, and worst, behavior from family and friends. With my daughter's wedding a little over a week away, our house is filling up with relatives and guests, and, of course, we would like to prevent tensions. How? A Psychology Today article helped put all in perspective by listing the top three reasons for wedding conflicts. Of course, it starts with MONEY. After all, today's weddings cost a lot. The price of a nuptial celebration has jumped to an all-time high, reaching an average $31,213, according to The Knot's "2014 Real Weddings Study." And the expense burden extends beyond the couple and their parents to the guests, who shell out for travel, accommodations and gifts, as well as to the wedding party, who must spend big for things like bridesmaid dresses they'll never wear again. With that much money flowing, financial anxieties and unmet expectations are bound to float to the top and spill negative vibes. Family dynamics are the next big cause of wedding conflict, especially issues of status within the family, notes the article. It is not uncommon to see mature people regress to childish expressions of jealousy and resentment when reminded of old wounds from parental favoritism or sibling rivalry. The fact that many will imbibe enough alcohol to loosen inhibitions and lips increases the chance of an "unfortunate incident." The third main source of wedding conflict is the likelihood that some folks will feel "left out" at some point. Honestly, at a crowded event, it is impossible to include and pay attention to everyone equally and always.  Unfortunately, various other articles offered no magic oil to pour on troubled wedding waters, beyond old-fashioned compassion and tolerance. All I can do is vow that every time a complaining relative, an out-of-control drunk, an undisciplined brat, or feuding exes loosen my hold on my temper, I will take a deep breath and consciously shift my focus back to what a wedding should be about: celebrating love. For more: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201306/weddings-why-they-cause-conflicts-among-family-friends

The Line Between Accumulating and Hoarding

I think most people fit somewhere on the "hoarding" spectrum.  At one end are the people featured on A&E's "Hoarders" or TLC's "Hoarding: Buried Alive," swallowed up by piles of trash, and down the line are the folks like me, with closets or garage corners jammed with forgotten clutter. I've always looked at the reality TV hoarders in baffled repulsion--until I was recently forced to face my own possession obsession while cleaning out closets for the arrival of guests. Why hadn't I discarded the old comforters for twin beds that I no longer own, the hundreds of paperback books that I'll never read again, the 15 computer totes and briefcases (old corporate or expo giveaways), or the medical accessories from past traumas? And what about those boxes of stained infant clothes and toys for children now in their thirties? In looking at my motives for keeping this accumulation of useless stuff, I realized that my defenses weren't really different from the ones mumbled by certified hoarders. I had to admit to sheer laziness (just shove it in the closet rather than walk to the trash can or donate to the needy), misguided sentimentality (those baby clothes evoked memories, but the pictures of the kids actually wearing them had more meaning), misguided practicality (how can you throw out a good tote that someone in the family could use, and won't I need crutches if I twist my ankle again?), and personal obsession (I love books so it's just hard to let go). We are all hoarders to a degree. But once I forced myself to clean, sort and assign items to the trash or charity donation, I felt a wonderful new lightness. The constant sight of piles of dusty objects, the detritus of the past, was burdensome in ways I didn't realize. If you want to give your spirit a boost, clean a closet. But if de-cluttering creates more psychic pain than relief, maybe you should read about the psychology of hoarding: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201409/the-psychology-behind-hoarding

One Nation--With Regional Personality Divisions

One thing my daughter's wedding in California is accomplishing is a gathering of cultural and regional diversity; besides the 27% foreign-born here, there are many U.S. natives who have migrated to the West Coast from other states. I wondered if it was my imagination that I was observing regional personality differences. The answer per recent research is that, yes, America's regions tend to differ by common personality traits. In 2013, researchers from the University of Cambridge published a study of regional character in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, based on a 12-year analysis of personality traits of nearly 1.6 million people living in the United States and Washington, D.C. (excluding Hawaii and Alaska) via Facebook, surveys and other methods. They looked particularly at five personality dimensions--agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, and neuroticism. The study found that the most friendly and conventional people tended to live in the South and north-central Great Plains region, while relaxed and creative traits were more common in the Western and Eastern coastal areas. New Englanders, in contrast, were most likely to be uninhibited and temperamental. If my long years in California have rubbed off on my personality, I should be above the national average in openness and extroversion, but sub par on conscientiousness, agreeableness and neuroticism. Then again, my family roots are in Texas, and I went to elementary school there, so maybe the fact that its citizens score above average on every trait except neuroticism will leaven the impact of the less friendly and less conscientious California bent. Curious about state and regional personality? Read http://time.com/7612/americas-mood-map-an-interactive-guide-to-the-united-states-of-attitude/. But if you want regional differences that you can more confidently observe, consider American language schisms. How do you pronounce crayon, pecan, caramel, pajamas, or lawyer? For maps of state-by-state linguistic conflicts, see http://www.businessinsider.com/22-maps-that-show-the-deepest-linguistic-conflicts-in-america-2013-6?op=1

My Short Bout With 'Internet Withdrawal'

Is "Internet withdrawal" a real thing? I know that I experienced a sense of helpless isolation and frustration last week when my Internet connection became sporadic (until a cable tech fixed a faulty connection). As someone who actually remembers the days before computers, it is astounding to realize how dependent on technology we are in our daily routines, our communications and our work life. With unreliable Internet service, I had to scurry to support my marketing consulting clients, and some projects were necessarily delayed. Various transactions and communications for my daughter's wedding were disrupted. I didn't get my blog post done because it was prioritized below work. But most projects still proceeded, and social communications and e-mail responses were handled via smartphone. Yes, there was an underlying, anxious sense of disconnection, but it hardly seemed a symptom of a deeper disorder. In fact, per Wikipedia, Internet Addiction Disorder is a term coined in a satirical essay by Dr. Ivan Goldberg in 1995 and then taken seriously by researchers and, of course, the media, who have since produced new terms like problematic Internet use, compulsive Internet use, Internet overuse, pathological computer use and even iDisorder. All refer to Internet use that interferes with normal life--such as excessive computer game play, online gambling, porn viewing, shopping, constant social networking or workaholic behavior--to the extent that folks experience anxiety, depression and withdrawal symptoms similar to drug users if they go offline. It is not an official mental disorder in the Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders yet, but that doesn't stop the media from headlining various studies documenting "Facebook addiction," "Internet withdrawal" and its cousin "mobile phone withdrawal." In 2014, a Business Insider story noted that workaholics especially suffer withdrawal symptoms when cut off from the Internet (because they can no longer work 24/7). To be honest, maybe because, unlike my kids, I have lived in a world without digital technology, I soon banished anxiety over my temporary Internet loss with old-fashioned versions of Internet-enabled activities, like reading and face-to-face socializing. Frankly, I don't think it's the Internet that is the problem, except as a tool making it easier to indulge the real addictions: gambling, porn, workaholism, shopaholism, etc. But if you think you are afflicted by Internet dependency, maybe you should check out http://www.psychguides.com/guides/computerinternet-addiction-symptoms-causes-and-effects/

What Can Dream-Home Style Say About You?

I have bought and sold many homes over the years, from the affordable two-bedroom starter condo to the five-bedroom floorplan with a pool, and I am now at the stage where an empty nest and aging knees are pushing toward downsized, single-story simplicity. But because my oldest son is in the process of buying his first home, I began to think about architectural styles again--and what our preferences say about us. It is an interesting question for fiction writers, who must create believable characters and their environments. If the protagonist lives in a romantic Victorian, an anonymous suburban tract home, an austerely decorated urban loft, or a luxurious mountain lodge in the pines, readers will make different assumptions about likely background, lifestyle and psychology. Of course, the house we dream of owning and what we can afford are not always the same; and a dissonance between desire and reality has its own interesting character ramifications. But let's assume you can attain that dream home. What does your choice say about your personality? Some research shows that if you like a Craftsman home, you tend to value home and family, and thus a style that is classic, functional and good for down-to-earth entertaining. If you dream of an ornate Victorian with turrets and gingerbread, you are probably both an art lover and a detail-oriented fan of traditional order. In contrast, if you yearn to move into an urban loft with an Industrial look--lots of exposed brick, raw wood and steel--you're a more casual, eclectic soul, maybe with a tattoo or two. If you're not sure which home architecture really calls to you, discover your style preference with the attached quiz. You may be surprised! http://www.stylishhome.com/Design/Style-Maker-Quiz

'Bad' and 'Good' Mothers on Mother's Day

For Mother's Day, the nation will celebrate motherhood with floral bouquets and restaurants full of dutiful children honoring moms. Of course, in fiction, especially mystery writing, the "bad" mother is usually more significant to plot and character development. Start with Euripides' Medea, who punishes husband Jason's betrayal by murdering their children. Examples of other famous bad moms in literature range from Shakespeare's shallow sensualist Queen Gertrude in Hamlet to Philip Roth's overbearing Sophie Portnoy in Portnoy's Complaint, V.C. Andrews' cruel Corinne Dollanganger in Flowers in the Attic, Stephen King's fanatic Margaret White in Carrie, William Faulkner's rejecting Addie Bundren in As I Lay Dying, and Jane Austen's foolish Mrs. Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. Probably the most heinous crime in our culture is a mother's murder or torture of her own children. But most fictional bad mothers commit emotional crimes rather than physical violence. Their toxic mothering patterns have been helpfully categorized by Peg Streep, author of Mean Mothers: dismissive (ignoring and rejecting), controlling (micromanaging), unavailable (emotional withdrawal or actual abandonment), enmeshed ("stage" moms), combative (hypercritical and competitive), self-involved (superficial narcissists), unreliable (behavioral swings), and role-reversed (dependent moms, such as those with alcoholism or depression). No wonder bad moms are such good fodder for writers! But even if you see a mother's failings reflected in fiction's bad moms, my advice is to cut motherhood some slack this Mother's Day. Definitely don't expect mothers to live up to our culture's myths of the "good" mother, with her instinctive, unconditional and instant mother love! Maternal behavior is not instinctive; human behavior is more complex, individual and cultural than that. Maternal love is not unconditional and without preference; good parenting actually sets boundaries and recognizes differences. And maternal attachment is hardly instant; a mother-child relationship takes time and hard work. Just being a "good enough" mom is an achievement! For a good article about harmful motherhood myths, see https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/mothers-love-myths-misconceptions-and-truths

Telltale Clues of a Doomed Relationship

In adult gatherings, the demise of a marriage or long-term romantic relationship is a common topic. There may be revelations about physical abuse, affairs and addictions. However, sometimes, like the murderer in the news whom everyone describes as a "good son" or a "great neighbor," these relationship deaths take people by surprise. Do doomed relationships really leave so few clues? Of course not. We just aren't paying close attention to other people's interactions--or at least not paying attention to what counts. According to famed marriage researcher John Gottman, who has won TV news and talk-show appearances, numerous print articles, and even a chapter in Malcolm Gladwell's best-seller Blink, there are four markers of relationship failure that are highly predictive of divorce (94%): criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Conflict is natural and even healthy in relationships; it is the unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict that cause problems, per Gottman. So, if couples consistently resort to criticism (attacks on personality or character), defensiveness (shifting blame or responsibility), contempt (expressions of disrespect and superiority) or stonewalling (a refusal to listen or discuss), long-term togetherness is in jeopardy. From other experts come these observable clues to a relationship unlikely to last: a coupling of extreme opposites (who may attract short-term but eventually repel over insoluble differences); a control freak partner jealous of anyone or anything outside of the relationship; unkind or verbally abusive behavior; and a demand or expectation of change in a partner's authentic self. Wondering about the health of your relationship? Try this little quiz: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/relationship_quiz.htm

The Dark Attraction of Murderous Duos

Most murder mystery plots revolve around a single killer. Murderous partners are rarer in fiction and in real life, which is why they have a macabre fascination. In fact, as a 2014 Psychology Today article noted, more than a fifth of serial killers operate in teams, most involving two offenders. And these teams have a unique psychological dynamic: One member is invariably a dominant figure who manipulates a subordinate partner's youth, neediness, mental instability, or low intelligence, according to Eric W. Hickey, a forensic psychologist and the author of Serial Murderers and Their Victims, who has studied more than 500 serial killer teams. The dominant predator in a killing team maintains such psychological and even physical control that the partnership acquires greater emotional significance than any personal moral code that might prevent heinous acts, experts agree. These deadly partnerships are often sexual: Charles Starkweather and Caril Ann Fugate; Paul Bernardo and Karen Homolka; Nathan Leopold and Richard Loeb. But it is the aberrant emotional glue that really counts; consider the father-son relationship of the 2002 D.C. sniper team of Muhammad and Malvo, or the same-sex peer bond of the teenage Columbine killers. So how do such murderous duos form? Gregg McCrary, a behavioral criminologist and former FBI agent, theorizes in the article: "There's radar, gaydar, and, maybe, mur-dar. It resembles the phenomenon wherein normal people meet and decide that they're going to get along, but with these couples, it takes a dark turn. They vector in on each other, sensing the excitement of a kindred spirit. It becomes electric." There's a dark law of attraction that leads to nightmares. For the complete Psychology Today article, including historical examples, read https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201406/partners-in-crime. For some more examples of famous killing teams, see http://listverse.com/2012/07/08/10-awful-serial-killer-teams/.

Why Does 'The Alchemist' Stay a Best Seller?

I must admit that I had not read The Alchemist, an allegorical novel by Brazilian-born Paulo Coelho, until this year. First published in the U.S. in 1993, the novel is celebrating over 20 years of international popularity. It has been translated into at least 56 languages and is in its 339th week on The New York Times paperback best seller list as of today. So why the cult status? It is the story of a young Andalusian shepherd boy who travels to the Egyptian pyramids after a recurring dream of finding treasure there, with encouragement from a Gypsy fortune-teller and a strange old man claiming to be a king. Along the way, he is robbed and earns money in business with a crystal merchant, joins a caravan across the desert and meets a bookish Englishman on his own quest, falls in love with a beautiful Arab girl in an oasis, survives desert tribal warfare, and is guided by omens and a mystical Alchemist to the treasure of his dream, or "Personal Legend." That plot synopsis and the book's short length and stylistic simplicity are deceptive; this novel is densely packed with complex spiritual and psychological questions. Basically, it is an allegory of the obstacles we face to finding and fulfilling our dreams, or Personal Legends per the novel. What obstacles? First come the prejudice, anxiety and guilt that, beginning in childhood, society employs to cause us to abandon dreams as impossibilities and ignore our hearts. Next is the love we have for others, because we fear to lose or hurt loved ones if we focus on realizing a personal calling. Third, we fear suffering from the inevitable defeats and failures. Last comes our fear of actually realizing a dream, of disappointment and guilt in success. But if all fears are overcome and you do things that truly fill you with enthusiasm for your life, then you gain the joy and peace that come from being in tune with the "Soul of the World" and the chosen path for you. After finally reading the book, I realized that, contrary to my assumption, The Alchemist has not achieved cult status because it offers a specific way to happiness. Rather, it reminds us, mired in day-to-day tedium and anxiety, that if we are willing to disinter deferred dreams, trust in the nurturing power of love, and accept the inevitable scars, we can live more fully. That's a best-selling lesson. To buy the novel, go to http://www.amazon.com/The-Alchemist-Paulo-Coelho/dp/0061122416

Arf or Meow: What Author Pet Choice Tells You

Many author promotional photos include pets, as I noticed when researching my prior post about author portraits. I suppose it is partly a ploy to make the writer more appealing; you can't be a selfish, irresponsible brute if you love a pet, right? And pet-owning is a common social connector -- to the point that I see more sharing of photos of pets than human partners. But assuming authors also picture pets because they are important in their lives, I wondered if the choice of pet (meaning cat versus dog) has any psychological significance. Yes, studies have shown that dog lovers, reflecting their social pets, are generally more extroverted and confident, as well as more conventional, while cat lovers are generally more introverted but also more open, meaning more likely to embrace unusual ideas, artistic creativity and a variety of experiences. Since I'm a cat person, I was naturally curious about writers who have been inspired by felines. A very partial list includes Mark Twain, Jean Cocteau, Stephen King, Jean Paul Sartre, Jack Kerouac, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allan Poe, Colette, Samuel Johnson, Raymond Chandler, Tennessee Williams and Joyce Carol Oates. Of course, creative writing has a canine contingent. Famous dog-owning authors include Virginia Woolf, John Steinbeck and William Faulkner. I'm not sure what it says about the personalities of authors fond of unusual pets -- such as Charles Dickens with his raven or Beatrix Potter with her rabbit. But for some aah-inspiring photos of famous writers and their pets, go to http://flavorwire.com/350238/adorable-pictures-of-famous-writers-and-their-pets/

Time Flies When You're Getting Older

I recently read a fiction work that played with time and memory. With the turn of a page, the reader was taken from long, intense passages of youthful experience to brief words of graying regret, and I recognized with dismay a similar warping in my own time perception. Simply put, as we grow older, time seems to speed up. The memories of youth may remain rich and crowded, but recent events pass in a blink. Why? Sure, one day to an 11-year-old is about 1/4,000 of his or her life but is just 1/20,000 of a lifespan for a 55-year-old, so any random day literally counts for less with age. But that's just mathematics and doesn't explain why I perceive time accelerating moment by moment. A common theory is that children and young adults are actively engaged in learning and adapting to new stimuli, while older people draw on experience, routine and mental habit, so older brains form fewer rich memories and rely on pre-mapped reactions that basically treat familiar stimuli as invisible. The increase in invisible, unremembered moments will make the subjective perception of time pass at a faster rate as we grow older. No matter your age, studies show there are ways to put the brakes on flying time. We perceive time as moving more slowly when we experience certain strong emotions, such as fear or awe. Time also seems to slow down when we are engaged in a cognitively demanding task or experiencing multiple changes in a short interval or faced with novel stimuli. So there are solutions to my illusion of speeding time if I want to take a little effort. A recent New York Times opinion piece on time and aging by psychiatrist Richard Friedman put it aptly: "It’s simple: if you want time to slow down, become a student again. Learn something that requires sustained effort; do something novel. Put down the thriller when you’re sitting on the beach and break out a book on evolutionary theory or Spanish for beginners or a how-to book on something you’ve always wanted to do. Take a new route to work; vacation at an unknown spot. And take your sweet time about it." For more, see http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/opinion/sunday/fast-time-and-the-aging-mind.html?_r=0

Why You Gotta Have Friends (Beyond Facebook)

As of this post, I am actually on a cruise ship sipping wine with three girlfriends -- far from husbands, children, bosses and any other potential stress inducers. A regular getaway with friends is one of those things, like my gym membership, that I consider essential to my health. My friends are more than a collection of Facebook photos; they are the people to call in an emergency, trust with my secrets and share my joys. They improve my mental and physical well-being. Psychologically, my friends buck me up when I'm down, hold my hand when I'm afraid and keep me tethered to earth when I'm full of hot air. They also help me live longer and more healthily. Scientific studies show that friendship's health benefits include a better immune system (people with more social connections get fewer colds), less stress, improved brain power (including reduced risk of aging dementia); lower blood pressure and better sleep. In my opinion, all those social network "likes" and "friends" and shared photos of cute cats are distracting from a dangerous problem in American life: the decline of friendship. Studies show that Americans have fewer close friends today than they did 25 years ago (an average of two friends now), and that the decline in social connections has resulted in a drop in general happiness despite climbing material success. Is that increasing isolation being offset by the rise of social networking? I doubt it. In fact, social networking can actually make you feel more lonely and less happy. Recent studies have shown that the "friendship paradox" is at play on social networks: On average you really do have fewer friends than your social media friends. To make matters worse, you really are less wealthy and less happy as well as less popular on average than your social media friends. No wonder that research finds active social network users have higher levels of unhappiness! For more, read  http://www.technologyreview.com/view/523566/how-the-friendship-paradox-makes-your-friends-better-than-you-are/

His Sense of Humor Makes Him Sexy. Really?

Humor is an aphrodisiac -- or at least women (and men) consistently tell surveys that "a sense of humor" is a top attraction in a romantic partner, even more important than looks, brains or wealth. So in crafting my next novel's sexy hero, I should forget face and fortune and focus on funny? Really? I just don't buy it, even though I've heard countless girlfriends declare the importance of a "sense of humor" in choosing "the one." Let's get something clear: Men and women mean something very different when they say they value a sense of humor in a potential mate. Women mean they want men who can amuse, while men mean they want women who think they are amusing. Women want a humor generator, and men want a humor appreciator, as one psychologist explained. Natural selection has put humor at the top of the sexual scale for women as an indicator of male "cognitive fitness," opines another scientist, so men naturally use humor to compete for female attention. OK, so laughter and desire are linked. But which comes first? Is a gal enticed because he makes her giggle, or does she giggle because she's already interested in him? It's the latter, asserts comedian Gilbert Gottfried's Playboy magazine article entitled "Women Say They Want a Guy With a Sense of Humor. They Don't." Concludes Gottfried: "If a woman is laughing at everything you say, she already plans to f-- you. That's all there is to it. Your jokes don't have to be any good, because she's not really listening. If she's planning to f-- you, she'll laugh. And if she's not, she won't. End of story." Humor is probably more important in sustaining rather than sparking romance anyway. Marriage researchers have found that when humor plays a role in diffusing tension and conflict, marriages tend to last longer, and that people who joke with their spouses tend to be happier in their marriages. For a more scientific and less profane discussion than Gottfried's, read the Psychology Today article at http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200508/humors-sexual-side

Sleuthing 101: Are You a Good Lie Detector?

Most of us hear a slew of lies each day, and before you dispute it, realize that most of us are also bad at spotting lies (about a 50-50 chance of being duped, per research). We solicit and embrace relatively harmless deceptions ("Do these pants make me look fat?"), but when it's the case of a murderer, a crooked politician or a cheating spouse, failure to detect a liar has serious consequences. Think you're good at lie detection? Try the simple Lie-Q quiz at http://liespotting.com/liespotting-basics/quiz/. Here's one hint: If you suspect the nervous guy who can't make eye contact, you're chasing the wrong clues; liars can be glib and engage in more eye contact to sell their stories.  Since lies are at the heart of mystery writing -- both deceits plotted for fictional characters and deceptions by authors to keep readers guessing -- understanding why people lie and how to catch liars are basics. A lot of research on deceptive behavior's cues comes from psychologist Paul Ekman, who pioneered research in facial expressions, gained a reputation as "the best human lie detector in the world," and inspired the brief Fox TV series "Lie to Me."  While liars can be skilled at controlling their words and facial expressions, studies show there are still verbal and nonverbal "tells" to alert trained observers. One of Ekman's finds is how micro-expressions (complete but very brief expressions of hidden emotion) and squelched expressions (an angry response quickly masked by a smile, for example) can reveal deceit. For more, including examples of famous lies, read Ekman's book Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics and Marriage, available at http://www.amazon.com/Telling-Lies-Marketplace-Politics-Marriage/dp/0393337456/

What If the Lady Is a Psychopath?

The dangerous psychopath is a stock figure in modern mysteries and thrillers, but most stories focus on menacing males. What if the psychopath is a lady? Is she just a male psychopath with lipstick and high heels? Not quite.There isn't as much research on the female psychopath, but she's like her male counterpart in being superficially charming while, behind the mask, she's an egocentric, manipulative, deceitful and impulsive risk-taker who lacks empathy, remorse and respect for social norms. It's a personality compatible with criminal acts, which is why psychopaths, who are estimated to represent 1% to 3% of the general population, are over-represented in prisons and murder mysteries. One study pegged psychopaths at 16% of the female prison population (although that's lower than the 25% of male prison inmates). It's the manifestation of the disorder that differs between the sexes, including violent behavior. Where male psychopaths are prone to physical aggression, for example, females tend to resort to relational or verbal aggression -- such as manipulating social networks to exclude a victim, engaging in self-injury, or using sexual seduction and coercion. Male and female psychopaths may have more in common when it comes to sexual behavior. A recent U.S. study of "hypersexual" people, meaning those with the most casual sexual partners, found that psychopathy is the key predictive personality trait for hypersexuality in both men and women. The female psychopath is more likely to be a sexual thrill-seeker because she is impulsive and immune to the anxieties and social taboos that usually discourage risky encounters, and she is successful in using socially and sexually exploitative tactics to snare partners. By the way, female psychopaths apparently are also more interested in coercive and sado-masochistic sex (pause to consider this if you enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey). For more on psychopathy and sexuality, read http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/dr-raj-persaud/male-and-female-psychopaths-get-more-sex_b_1845750.html

Why Do We Binge on Holiday Shopping?

Every year I swear off excess holiday shopping, and then I walk into a mall and binge. A Psychology Today article explains why I am so easily seduced into this shopaholic state. Consider the seasonal red-and-green color scheme used by many retailers: Red stimulates and energizes--even our spending. Studies show that waitresses wearing red get 14% to 26% higher tips than waitresses wearing other colors, for example. Add green, an optimistic color associated with wealth (ah, happy thoughts), and I'm eager to spend. Meanwhile, merchants drench the air with holiday scents wired directly to emotions and memories. Pine scent especially evokes feelings of happiness and nostalgia, according to studies. And while I'm in the mood, other stores pipe holiday music into my ears to hype nostalgia further. Research shows that nostalgia elevates positive mood, creates a sense of emotional connection, and inspires a rosy view of the past--so I want to revive childhood's holiday magic with my dollars. Then I just have to touch a soft cashmere sweater on a display table, and I'm standing in line to purchase, because studies find that we’re significantly more likely to buy what we touch. That's why retailers design stores with merchandise roadblocks. Since we’re naturally drawn toward the center of a display, stores put pricier items there, with the second-best placement just to the right of center where the right-handed majority will likely touch first. Even the frustrations--jammed parking lots, shoving crowds, and a race against time--work against sober shopping. Anxiety interferes with rational decision-making, psychologists warn. So is the answer to just shop online? If only I could, but every holiday I end up at the mall at least once--and face temptation. So here's my New Year's resolution: I'll just say no to red-and-green, pine-scented, "dreaming of a white Christmas," warm and fuzzy, anxiety-spurred retail traps next year. For now, I'll ruefully wrap an overabundance of gifts. For more on the pyschology of holiday shopping, see http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-why-behind-the-buy/201212/is-your-brain-holiday-shopping

In Disaster Tales, We Seek Guides to Survival

I currently find myself immersed in coverage of the typhoon aftermath in the Philippines. Why is there such a public fascination with disaster, whether natural or man-made? Sure, there is a vicarious thrill from imagined terrors while reassuringly safe on a comfy sofa in a climate-controlled den, but I think it goes deeper. It's really the survivor stories we want to hear. The silent dead and destroyed buildings are only backdrops. We are all vulnerable to unexpected disaster, from a natural catastrophe to a personal crisis like a car crash or cancer, and we want to be survivors, too. There are many great true-story books about disaster and survival to guide us. Just a few that I've read: Isaac's Storm by Erik Larson about the 1900 Galveston hurricane; the classic A Night to Remember by Walter Lord; The Perfect Storm by Sebastian Junger; Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer; and Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. From these, I would boil disaster survival down to three ingredients: luck (which I can't control), preparedness (which I can purchase with supplies, training and support services) and the right mindset. This last, the psychology of the survivor, is the secret that I think we seek in disaster stories. People who survive seem to stay calm and clear-headed, to take quick appropriate actions, and to remain adaptable and resilient. Why aren't they paralyzed or panicked by fear and hopelessness? The answer seems to be that survivors conquer fear with their faith in a positive outcome. The source of that faith can be religious belief or scientific knowledge or disciplined self-reliance. But, basically, to survive, you often need to believe in your own survival despite the odds. So feed your faith to starve your fears, as the proverb says, and check out some of these inspiring disaster tales on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Best-Disaster-Books/lm/160WDNETXV59H

Setting the Mystery Scene With Seasonal Color

The seasonal setting is one of the choices I ponder when writing a mystery story. Seasonal weather and color palette can be used to form a background mood for the characters and plot. For example, in Lies Agreed Upon, the story was intentionally set in June in New Orleans. So, while scenes featured sunny days in a city of colorful pastel facades, which generally paints a lighthearted mood, the positive vibes were offset by the drama of frequent thunderstorms and by heat and humidity that sapped energy and increased irritability. By opting for a summer season, the story could use the lush greens of natural fertility and tranquility as a contrast to the intricate blackness of wrought/cast-iron decor, a hint to the dark human forces at work. In my next story, the setting is the Mid-Atlantic Coast in October. Fair, brisk autumn skies can turn gray with cold rain, so energizing weather alternates with depressing gloom. The warm colors of fall--red, orange, yellow and brown--evoke a sense of enthusiasm and comfort. But yellow and orange also are warning colors, brown can inspire a sadly isolated mood, and red is the hue of anger and blood as well as love. And with the choice of October, I can intentionally draw on Halloween black to emphasize themes of death and evil. For more about color psychology, go to http://psychology.about.com/od/sensationandperception/a/colorpsych.htm