Telltale Clues of a Doomed Relationship

In adult gatherings, the demise of a marriage or long-term romantic relationship is a common topic. There may be revelations about physical abuse, affairs and addictions. However, sometimes, like the murderer in the news whom everyone describes as a "good son" or a "great neighbor," these relationship deaths take people by surprise. Do doomed relationships really leave so few clues? Of course not. We just aren't paying close attention to other people's interactions--or at least not paying attention to what counts. According to famed marriage researcher John Gottman, who has won TV news and talk-show appearances, numerous print articles, and even a chapter in Malcolm Gladwell's best-seller Blink, there are four markers of relationship failure that are highly predictive of divorce (94%): criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Conflict is natural and even healthy in relationships; it is the unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict that cause problems, per Gottman. So, if couples consistently resort to criticism (attacks on personality or character), defensiveness (shifting blame or responsibility), contempt (expressions of disrespect and superiority) or stonewalling (a refusal to listen or discuss), long-term togetherness is in jeopardy. From other experts come these observable clues to a relationship unlikely to last: a coupling of extreme opposites (who may attract short-term but eventually repel over insoluble differences); a control freak partner jealous of anyone or anything outside of the relationship; unkind or verbally abusive behavior; and a demand or expectation of change in a partner's authentic self. Wondering about the health of your relationship? Try this little quiz: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/relationship_quiz.htm

Fairy Tale Weddings Can Have Unhappy Endings

Weddings have been on my mind because my daughter is getting married this year. As a result, everywhere I look, everyone seems similarly obsessed. On reality TV, courtship and marriage fuel dramas with "love" as the prize: "The Bachelorette," "90-Day Fiance," "Married at First Sight," "Bridezillas," "Say Yes to The Dress," etc. And I've noticed a couple of common trends. First of all, extravagant wedding trappings are being promoted at every turn, via magazines, Internet and TV--the huge engagement ring, the island destination venue, the designer gown and the lavish "fairy tale" event. Based on my experience, many young people are buying the wedding-industry hype, especially brides and grooms who are marrying later and who, as working couples, can afford to celebrate their unions in style. Another ubiquitous trend is to "write your own vows" rather than use traditional rites, putting the personal relationship at the heart of the ceremony. Yet the outward prosperity and romance of a wedding don't correlate with marital success. Just the opposite. A recent study found that the more a couple spends on their wedding, the higher their rate of divorce compared with the average! Theories include the stress of financial debts incurred and misguided reasons for marrying (wealth and outward appearance). But maybe fairy-tale wedding failures reflect a more basic marriage misconception. No matter how earnestly lovers pen their own vows or finish the night with fireworks, they are already on the wrong path if they think they are celebrating the start of a long-time love affair. As Joseph Campbell said about marriage across cultures in The Power of Myth: "Marriage is not a love affair....A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn't that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable, it's off. But marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married." It's obviously easier to go into debt for a big party than honor a life commitment for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. For sobering data about the link between wedding expense and divorce, see http://www.marketwatch.com/story/the-larger-the-rock-the-rockier-the-marriage-2014-10-15

Mythical Online Threats to Offline Relationships

I'm not among those who suspect digital networking undermines offline relationships, especially romantic ones. I believe the basic need for emotional intimacy is not going to be eroded or replaced by expanding social media connections and constant mobile chatter. But when 66% of American couples (adults who are married or in committed relationships) say the Internet, mobile devices and social media are key factors in their lives, I suppose it's a concern worth exploring. A recent report by the Pew Research Internet Project should reassure. Its 2013 survey found 72% of online adults in marriages or committed relationships said Internet use has had "no real impact at all" on their partnerships. And of couples who said the Internet had an impact, 74% said it was positive! In fact, 21% of cell owners or Internet users said they actually felt closer to a partner because of online or text/cell message exchanges. Not that digital communications don't have negatives: For example, 25% of all coupled adults complained a spouse or partner was distracted by mobile use when they were together, 8% had an argument about the amount of time a partner spent online, and 4% got upset at something they found out a partner was doing online. There also were age differences that reflect the higher digital affinity of younger adults. I'm sure you've noticed that mobile device deprivation causes anxiety in people under 30. So 45% of 18- to 29-year-olds in serious relationships reported a significant relationship impact (both good or bad) from digital communications (compared with 25% for all couples). Now I admit there is one digital trend that does make me a tad queasy: Sexting is on the upswing for both couples and singles, with 9% of cell owners saying they sent a sext of themselves (up from 6% in 2012) and 20% saying they received a sext (up from 15%). For more on the Pew findings, go to http://www.pewinternet.org/2014/02/11/couples-the-internet-and-social-media/

When Gender Roles Change, Does That Change Fiction?

Two consecutive events got me thinking about gender roles and writing: On Nov. 16, my book club discussed Herman Wouk's novel Marjorie Morningstar, and on Nov. 17, Doris Lessing, author of The Golden Notebook, died. The assumptions about gender roles in the two works represent quite different views. Published in the 1950s and set in the 1930s, Marjorie Morningstar tells the story of a young New York Jewish girl who rebels against social expectations and dreams of becoming an actress, only to end up (chastened by lost illusions and lost virginity) as a conventional (but happy) wife and mother. It is a book that reflects the traditional views of my mother. Moving on to the 1960s, The Golden Notebook's protagonist is a writer and single mother, Anna Wulf, whose psychic fragmentation is expressed in the novel's format of story interposed with Anna's notebooks: a black notebook for her youth in Africa, which formed the basis of her one successful novel; a red notebook for Cold War politics and her disillusion with Communism; a yellow notebook for a fictionalized self; and a blue notebook as an intimate diary. Anna seeks to weave together all the pieces of her reality in one "golden notebook." A favorite of feminists at the time, the book deals frankly with female sexuality, work, love, men, marriage and motherhood. It is a book that echoes many of my feelings as a working wife and mother at a time when gender equality was an unrealized dream. Fast forward to the 21st century. "We've come a long way, baby," and the majority of millennial women (which includes my daughter) tell researchers that they believe they live in a world without gender barriers, where they can have both a rewarding professional career and a fulfilling personal life. "Balance" is their mantra, with seven in 10 listing a "work/life balance" as an important quality of the successful female business leader. So successful writing now must create female protagonists who transcend gender roles. But that's actually nothing new. Both Marjorie Morningstar and The Golden Notebook are really about the desire for, and obstacles to, self-realization regardless of gender--which is why the books continue to be read despite some sweeping social changes. To quote Doris Lessing: “What's terrible is to pretend that second-rate is first-rate. To pretend that you don't need love when you do; or you like your work when you know quite well you're capable of better.” Current and future generations still face those issues; gender bias simplified or complicated but did not remove such challenges.